All the king’s horses

Just when the opponents of last year’s “Mayor King” charter amendment were breathing easier, it turns out a monarchy has been established anyway, right under our collective noses.

Speaking for the serfs, we might never had known of this had it not been for Commissioner R. Larry Smith playing court jester to Sheriff J.J. Jones. A lot of tomfoolery has come out of the 7th District lately, but in this case we can be grateful to Smith for inviting the sheriff to favor commission – and the taxpaying serfs – with his opinion on implementing the endlessly debated and deferred county vehicle policy.

With regal aplomb, Jones rose to the occasion at last week’s County Commission meeting.

“What I said I would do, I’ve done. I cut the budget from 28 vehicles. You can vote on this whether you want to one way or another, but we’re not gonna deal with any more issues on the cars. We’re done with that.”

OK, then. Blare of trumpets, roll up the red carpet, exit King Jimmy I. Clearly “we” (that’s the royal we, foolish commoner) had heard enough from the clown princes of the nine shires. And, if Mark Harmon, Mike Hammond and assorted other knaves don’t like it, well, they know what they can do with their vehicle policy.

Coming on the heels of an aborted coronation in Nashville orchestrated by Prime Minister of Charter Evasion Chad Faulkner, King Jimmy’s blunt words shouldn’t have come as a complete surprise. After all, the royal prerogative is just that, and we all know what can happen when the monarch is P.O.’d. (See Henry VIII for the gruesome details.)

With no Robin Hood in sight to poach a few take-home vehicles from the royal preserve, what’s a poor subject to do? Storming the Bastille might be in order, but July 14 is a couple of weeks off. Besides, most folks I know can’t speak a lick of French.

There is a precedent for this dilemma. King Jimmy succeeded King Timmy, who would reign today had not the Term Limits War (1994-2007) toppled him from the throne. Two years later, crumpled pieces of Mike Lowe’s fundraiser posters and colorful remnants of Diane Jordan’s hats continue to surface with the spring plowing around the City County Building.

We asked our legal expert, Professor L.A. Law, for an opinion. Wise old head that he is, the professor astutely pointed out that because the high sheriff claims his is a “constitutional” office, what we’re really dealing with is – you guessed it – a constitutional monarchy.

“Just like our cousins, the Brits,” the professor said. “Except in the old country, they put milk in their tea and ride a lot more horses.”

Professor, you’re a genius! Horses are the answer. We need a charter amendment that will replace those unnecessary take-home vehicles in King Jimmy’s preserve with some mustangs of the hay-munching variety. And, if ever the herd threatens to get out of hand again? Well, they shoot horses, don’t they?

Broyles/Carringer alliance implodes

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Precincts burst at the seams during the June 23 Knox County Redistricting Committee meeting. Commissioners Amy Broyles and Michele Carringer agreed to disagree on a new look for Districts 2 and 7.

Plan 7A, submitted by the town of Farragut, caused the rupture. The plan was designed to keep the town of Farragut in a single commission district. It moves Gresham Middle School from District 7 into District 2.

Leave Gresham where it is, Carringer said, and move “all the Dantes” (Wards 72E, 72M and 72W) into the 2nd District.

“If we keep Farragut together, all of the up above – everybody north – gets split. That means all of us up north have to move big time. If you keep everybody semi-happy down west, you need to keep us semi-happy up north,” said Carringer.

Committee chair Rick Emmett tried to relieve the pressure on the Sisterhood’s threadbare attire by pointing out that 50,000 people would be moving to new districts, no matter what. And, he added, Plan 7A doesn’t move any incumbent commissioners.

Too late.

“Gresham has a lot more in common with the 2nd than the 7th,” Broyles said.

“No,” Carringer responded, “Gresham is the 7th.”

Well, Broyles said, maybe we haven’t done our best work yet.

Emmett, who is on the short list for the annual Patience of Job Award, calmly weighed in.

“Here’s the problem,” he said. “We’ve already looked at maybe 15 plans. Somebody’s going to be unhappy.”

“I think 7A moves the least amount of people to get the job done,” said Commissioner Ivan Harmon, coming to Emmett’s aid. “We’re still in Knox County. We’re not moving anybody to Anderson County or Blount County.”

Following public comment from Crestwood Hills Homeowners Association president Sue Mauer and 9th District resident Carson Dailey, the tenor of the meeting took a nasty turn.

“We all know why we’re here,” Carringer said, and wondered aloud which districts voted for the charter amendment to reduce commission from 19 members to 11. This threat to push for splitting the town of Farragut in order to relieve the pressure on precincts and wards on the north side of the county was later seconded by Commissioner Tank Strickland.

“If we send 7A to commission they’re going to chew it up,” Carringer later said.

“There’s rules,” Harmon countered. “If they chew it up, they’re going to have to spit it out.”

In the end, the committee held on to Plans 7A and 3, and for good measure added the school board’s Plan 6, which would move nearly 85,000 residents and two incumbent commissioners to new districts. The debate renews 6:30 p.m. Monday, July 13, at the City County Building.