All the king’s horses
Just when the opponents of last year’s
“Mayor King” charter amendment were breathing easier, it
turns out a monarchy has been established anyway, right
under our collective noses.
Speaking for the serfs, we might never
had known of this had it not been for Commissioner R. Larry
Smith playing court jester to Sheriff J.J. Jones. A lot of
tomfoolery has come out of the 7th District lately, but in
this case we can be grateful to Smith for inviting the
sheriff to favor commission – and the taxpaying serfs – with
his opinion on implementing the endlessly debated and
deferred county vehicle policy.
With regal aplomb, Jones rose to the
occasion at last week’s
County Commission meeting.
“What I said I would do, I’ve done. I cut
the budget from 28 vehicles. You can vote on this whether
you want to one way or another, but we’re not gonna deal
with any more issues on the cars. We’re done with that.”
OK, then. Blare of trumpets, roll up the
red carpet, exit King Jimmy I. Clearly “we” (that’s the
royal we, foolish commoner) had heard enough from the clown
princes of the nine shires. And, if Mark Harmon, Mike
Hammond and assorted other knaves don’t like it, well, they
know what they can do with their vehicle policy.
Coming on the heels of an aborted
coronation in Nashville orchestrated by
Prime Minister of Charter Evasion Chad Faulkner, King
Jimmy’s blunt words shouldn’t have come as a complete
surprise. After all, the royal prerogative is just that, and
we all know what can happen when the monarch is P.O.’d. (See
Henry VIII for the gruesome details.)
With no Robin Hood in sight to poach a
few take-home vehicles from the royal preserve, what’s a
poor subject to do? Storming the Bastille might be in order,
but July 14 is a couple of weeks off. Besides, most folks I
know can’t speak a lick of French.
There is a precedent for this dilemma.
King Jimmy succeeded King Timmy, who would reign today had
not the Term Limits War (1994-2007) toppled him from the
throne. Two years later, crumpled pieces of Mike Lowe’s
fundraiser posters and colorful remnants of Diane Jordan’s
hats continue to surface with the spring plowing around the City County
Building.
We asked our legal expert, Professor L.A.
Law, for an opinion. Wise old head that he is, the professor
astutely pointed out that because the high sheriff claims
his is a “constitutional” office, what we’re really dealing
with is – you guessed it – a
constitutional
monarchy.
“Just like our cousins, the Brits,” the
professor said. “Except in the old country, they put milk in
their tea and ride a lot more horses.”
Professor, you’re a genius! Horses are
the answer. We need a charter amendment that will replace
those unnecessary take-home vehicles in King Jimmy’s
preserve with some mustangs of the hay-munching variety.
And, if ever the herd threatens to get out of hand again?
Well, they shoot horses, don’t they?
Broyles/Carringer alliance implodes
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Precincts
burst at the seams during the June 23 Knox County
Redistricting Committee meeting. Commissioners Amy Broyles
and Michele Carringer agreed to disagree on a new look for
Districts 2 and 7.
Plan 7A, submitted by the town of Farragut, caused the rupture. The plan was
designed to keep the town of
Farragut
in a single commission district. It moves Gresham Middle School
from District 7 into District 2.
Leave
Gresham
where it is, Carringer said, and move “all the Dantes”
(Wards 72E, 72M and 72W) into the 2nd District.
“If we keep Farragut together, all of the
up above – everybody north – gets split. That means all of
us up north have to move big time. If you keep everybody
semi-happy down west, you need to keep us semi-happy up
north,” said Carringer.
Committee chair Rick Emmett tried to
relieve the pressure on the Sisterhood’s threadbare attire
by pointing out that 50,000 people would be moving to new
districts, no matter what. And, he added, Plan 7A doesn’t
move any incumbent commissioners.
Too late.
“Gresham
has a lot more in common with the 2nd than the 7th,” Broyles
said.
“No,” Carringer responded, “Gresham is the 7th.”
Well, Broyles said, maybe we haven’t done
our best work yet.
Emmett, who is on the short list for the
annual Patience of Job Award, calmly weighed in.
“Here’s the problem,” he said. “We’ve
already looked at maybe 15 plans. Somebody’s going to be
unhappy.”
“I think 7A moves the least amount of
people to get the job done,” said Commissioner Ivan Harmon,
coming to Emmett’s aid. “We’re still in Knox
County. We’re not moving anybody
to Anderson County or
Blount
County.”
Following public comment from Crestwood
Hills Homeowners Association president Sue Mauer and 9th
District resident Carson Dailey, the tenor of the meeting
took a nasty turn.
“We all know why we’re here,” Carringer
said, and wondered aloud which districts voted for the
charter amendment to reduce commission from 19 members to
11. This threat to push for splitting the town of Farragut in order to
relieve the pressure on precincts and wards on the north
side of the county was later seconded by Commissioner Tank
Strickland.
“If we send 7A to commission they’re
going to chew it up,” Carringer later said.
“There’s rules,” Harmon countered. “If
they chew it up, they’re going to have to spit it out.”
In the end, the committee held on to
Plans 7A and 3, and for good measure added the school
board’s Plan 6, which would move nearly 85,000 residents and
two incumbent commissioners to new districts. The debate
renews 6:30 p.m. Monday, July 13, at the City County
Building.